Warn your little sister | Guest post by Judy Sandler
Why empowering girls matters to me
At its heart, Amid Life is about resilience. I’ve invited some friends to share their stories using a simple prompt: Tell us about a moment when everything changed.
This moment-of-change story comes from Judy Sandler. Judy taught elementary school, middle school, and high school for over twenty-five years before reinventing herself as a full-time writer. Judy loves responding to photographs with poetry. The two poems she includes here are the heart of this piece and reflect her dedication to celebrating the inherent power of girls.
What Happens in Eden
by Judy Sandler
Before bras and blow dryers,
before mascara and diets,
I wish to be a mermaid.
Naked from the waist up,
tail of a fish,
slippery scales incandescent
in pools of mercury.
When I swim
the flap of my tail will propel me like a jet.
I’ll weave between pink and white coral,
play tag with electric eels.
I’ll control the sailors
with my soft moans,
like a whale’s song.
I will be a mermaid.
Soothe the sick,
lord over the weather,
perform magic tricks for the sea anemones.
This will be before.
Before my best friend tells me
to put on a shirt, and my hot face
tingles with red shame.
Before my gym teacher
says I have nice legs
so why should I
cover them
with a tail?
Before my friend’s father
stares at my chest and tells me not to worry,
“More than a handful is a waste.”
Before I hold my breath
in a chlorinated pool
(not even close to an ocean)
and come up gagging.
I get it now.
I would have chosen mermaid.
It’s left me wondering
whether to warn my little sister
or not to bother.
My niece is twelve. She lives in a suburb of Baltimore, and she is in the seventh grade. She has silky red hair down to her shoulders, sparkly blue eyes, and a mouth full of silver braces. She giggles a lot, loves to wear lip gloss, mascara, and blush; she knows more about how to apply makeup to her face than I do.
My niece doesn’t particularly like the classes at school, but she does enjoy being at school—you know, just hanging out with her friends, laughing, flirting with the boys. If you ask her what she wants to be when she grows up, she will let out a sigh and say, “I don’t know.”
My sister is quick to tell me not to worry about Danielle, that it’s all “normal adolescent girl behavior.”
I’m not having it.
I want this girl to look me in the eye when she talks to me. I want her to know she is beautiful without the make-up. I want her to know she can be whatever she wants to be. I want her to love herself more than any boy could love her.
The same but different
In high school and college, instead of being obsessed with what the boys thought of me or if my breasts were growing on schedule, I cared about how many times I could throw a lacrosse ball against a wall and catch it or how fast I could run fifty yards.
I cared about my clothes, just enough to fit in with my friends, which in the early 80s meant blue jeans, L.L. Bean Blucher shoes, and fisherman’s sweaters. No make-up.
I loved to read and write, hated math. If I was obsessed, I was obsessed with striving to play Division 1 college lacrosse. Becoming a pediatrician or lawyer. My father had big goals for me, but they weren’t mine.
Instead, I became a teacher with a special place in my heart for the girls. I believed that girls needed strong female role models and goals to strive toward. They needed agency in their work—a sense of control over their lives.
I assigned books like Kate Chopin’s The Awakening, The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman, and The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood to my high schoolers in the late 80s and early 90s, but I started them earlier than that.
When I taught third grade, we read Amazing Grace, by Mary Hoffman, Girl on a Motorcycle, by Amy Novesky, and Brown Girl Dreaming, by Jacqueline Woodson. Stories of powerful, independent girls written by women determined to pass on that message.
I loved every minute of teaching—even the long and uncomfortable minutes. But I was disappointed by the girls with that shy, giggly, don’t-look-at-me behavior that I had seen in my classmates growing up. The same obsession with boys my niece displays today. I would do anything to show those girls they are kind, smart, and important.
And though she be but little
“Oh, when she’s angry, she is keen and shrewd!
She was a vixen when she went to school.
And though she be but little, she is fierce.”
--William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream
And Though She Be But Little
by Judy Sandler
“Oh, when she’s angry, she is keen and shrewd! She was a vixen when she went to school. And though she be but little, she is fierce.” --William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream
She woke up like this. Fearless, strong. Exactly the way she was meant to be. Red Rover, Red Rover, she dares to knock you over. Half warrior/half girl. Allow her. She winks at your boundaries, she splinters your fences. Flawless in her posture, relentless in her dreams she fears not the fire; becomes the flame. Put her in heels, she’ll kick them off. Burn her at the stake for knowing too damn much. But do not tell her to stay in her lane. She is Artemis, of the moon. She is a girl. She woke up like this. She will own you one day.
If I could tell that girl dressed up as a mermaid in the picture one thing, it would be that it’s worth every breath to warn your little sister.
Tell her to bother.
Tell her that it matters.
She can be a mermaid.
Thank you so much to my dear friend Judy. We met in the lunch line at school—each of us starting over at age 57. Older, wiser, experienced girls, a little bit scared but certain we were exactly where we were meant to be.
Judy Sandler is a writer and educator. Her body of work explores themes of motherhood, mental health, and everyday experiences that remind us we are connected. Judy’s work has appeared in numerous journals, including The New York Times’ Tiny Love Stories, Yale University Journal of Medicine’s The Perch, The Atticus Review, Pangyrus, Grown and Flown, The University of Chicago’s The Awakenings Review, Treatment Advocacy Center’s Blog, and others.
Judy grew up in Baltimore, Maryland, where she taught in independent schools for over twenty-five years. She holds a BA from The University of Pennsylvania, an MLA from Johns Hopkins University, and an MFA from Stonecoast at The University of Southern Maine.
She now resides in Lincolnville, Maine. Learn more about Judy’s work at judysandler.com
Thank you Catherine for the opportunity to promote the empowerment of girls, who grow up to be women, on your Substack. Honored.
Judy, the scope of your talent continually amazes me. Brava, Sisfam, Brava!