One conversation, one moment of change
What happens when a long-silent mother offers her daughter parenting advice
Amid Life is, at its heart, about resilience. I post weekly about my career and personal midlife reinvention, and I invite other writers to share their stories using a simple prompt
Tell us about a moment when everything changed.
Today’s moment-of-change story comes from Stacy Kim, a social scientist, life coach, and productivity nerd obsessed with the intersection of career and family. Stacy delivers practical inspiration in her weekly newsletter, Life Junctions.
I met Stacy in a writing workshop where her smart and caring comments were always insightful and inspirational. Read on.
A not-so-quiet conversation
Almost 20 years ago, my mom shared something with me that changed my relationship with her and with my daughter.
Growing up, my mother rarely spoke to me. She told me what to do and scolded me, but with few words. She took good care of me, and I knew she loved me. But she wasn’t affectionate and didn’t compliment me.
One day, she broke her silence.
She observed that I was being too hard on my daughter, who was only a toddler at the time.
“I know you’re parenting the way I parented you,” she said. “But because I was tough, you hid things from me. You want Allison to come to you, not just when things are going well, but when she is having a hard time.”
That brief conversation was a turning point for us. It opened the door for me to share more with her. Our relationship changed. She continued to give me wise parenting advice that I know made me do better.
On a whim, I shared this story on LinkedIn and on Instagram, along with this picture, on her birthday.
Here’s the part I didn’t mention on social media.
My mom has Alzheimer’s now and can’t speak.
She is quiet again.
So, I am even more grateful that she changed her usual approach to reach out to me. I imagine it wasn’t easy for her. But she was willing to be vulnerable for me.
Daniel Pink, author of The Power of Regret, mentions that not reaching out to someone is a common regret people have. Yet, it’s also the easiest to rectify and is usually much appreciated.
Given this, how might you reach out to someone today? Or this week?
How might you take a chance, be vulnerable, and possibly improve an important relationship?
Or, have you had a relationship that changed because of one conversation?
Share your thoughts in the comments. I’d love to hear about it!
Stacy
This essay was originally published in Stacy’s Life Junctions Newsletter.
Stacy S. Kim, Ph.D. is a social scientist, life coach, and productivity nerd obsessed with the intersection of career and family. She has written for Real Simple, WIRED, The Washington Post, and The New York Times. She previously worked for the Families and Work Institute and Columbia University. She is currently working on a book about the upside of envy.
Sign up for Stacy’s Life Junctions Newsletter!
Thank you, Stacy, for letting me share your story! You’ve given AMID LIFE readers—and ME—a lot to think about.
Work hard. Be brave. Believe.
Catherine
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Thank you for sharing this. I also had a parent, who growing up, loved me but wasn't "warm and fuzzy." As I became older, I learned more about their earlier trauma, and how generational trauma is incredibly impactful and long-lasting. I was not a perfect parent either, by any means, but I tried to be aware and I tried to give my young children what they needed despite what I needed. I also put in a request for the power of regret at my local library! Thank you for sharing your words with us.