Girl fight. What happened to #womensupportingwomen?

Why Katy, Gayle, and Jordon deserve respect, not ridicule. (Glennon, too)

It’s Saturday morning, and I’m scraping the gunk out of the dishwasher filter. In the background, Peter Sagal and the Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me cast are testing callers on their knowledge of this week’s news, using the topics to set up their comedic banter.

SAGAL: That was a traveler who did not have an important document you need to get on a plane as of Wednesday this week. What is it?

CALLER: The REAL ID.

(DING)

SAGAL: Yes!

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: They announced [Real ID] in 2006 [and] finally instituted it this week. Just think, Bill Belichick's girlfriend has spent her whole life worrying this day would come.

(LAUGHTER)

Just think, a 60-year-old white male game show host spent time hoping his potshot joke about a 24-year-old woman would land.

I’m aware of the 59-year age difference. I know Bill Belichick is a grumpy, dislikable guy (especially if you’re not from New England). And yes, I heard about the CBS interview where Jordon Hudson—aka “the girlfriend” and reported manager of Belichick’s personal brand—interjected, in Bill’s words, “to ensure the interview stayed on track.”

But, where’s the joke? Her age, of course. If she were 72, we wouldn’t know she existed, but there’s a name for young women with rich older boyfriends. Actually, there are several. And for far too long, far too many of us have laughed along.

“These disparagements [are] so embedded in the cultural dialogue about women that many of us have never stopped to question them,” writes Allison Yarrow, in 90s Bitch: Media, Culture, and the Failed Promise of Gender Equality.

Indeed, it feels a lot like 1998, when the male hosts of late-night TV were lighting up audiences with jokes about a different young 20-something brunette and an older man.

Reclaiming

I’ve been listening to Monica Lewinsky’s new podcast, Reclaiming (highly recommend). Monica, now 51, talks to her guests about how events in their lives have shaped them, and she candidly and bravely shares her ongoing journey to reclaim her reputation and self-respect—some thirty years later.

I regret how I once laughed at blue-dress jokes, just as I felt ashamed after reading Brittany Spear’s account of her personal struggles in her memoir, knowing how much tabloid coverage I’d consumed in 2007.

I want to do better.

Gayle King, I’m sorry

In a post last month, I scolded the CBS Morning Show host for not reading the room in a time when women’s rights are in peril, and for performing girl power instead of empowering girls. And listen, I haven’t changed my mind about that.

But publicly shaming women? Hijacking a disparaging trending topic for clicks? Amplifying the memes and sound-bites? Not cool, Palmer.

I didn’t even blink when Good Morning America host Michael Strahan took the same flight in late 2021, amidst a surge of COVID-19 (a disease which disproportionately impacted Black people). When People magazine reported Strahan was including a $165,000 watch in his carry-on? Yawn. When he sold a limited edition hoodie commemorating his flight? No comment.

Those feminine designer spacesuits were easier targets for ridicule because the patriarchy taught me to police what women wear and judge them by their choices. A behavior so ingrained that I do it to myself when we’re I’m home alone in front of the mirror.

Am I the mean girl?

When did feminism become about calling out other women for not being feminist enough? Am I doing it right now?

Katy Perry, I’m sorry I rolled my eyes at your expressions of joy and shameless self-promotion during the Blue Origin flight. I want you to be joyful, and why shouldn’t you promote yourself? Go on and roar, girl.

But what’s with the bangs and the cringeworthy costumes and choreography on your Lifetimes tour? Yup. I admit it. I LOL’d at the parody videos featuring a soundtrack from Kristen Wiig’s recurring SNL Doonese character (a problematic portrayal of an intellectually and physically challenged woman).

I LOL’d at those mash-up videos until I cried, like when I finish a package of Tate’s Chocolate Chip cookies. Pretty clips of Taylor, Sabrina, and Beyoncé cut to awkward Katy Perry dancing on stage with a comical, off-key voice-over, “and I’m Doonese!” Annoyed at myself, I could only imagine the trolls in the comments.

Perry says she feels like a “human piñata” and blames an "unhinged and unhealed" internet in this piece from BBC news. A topic that needs more coverage and further reflection, instead, the men quoted in the article chimed in.

Well actually. “… it feels like she hasn't evolved.” This tour “follows a pattern of failed reinvention attempts….” Any artist knows that criticism is part of the deal, but when was the last time you heard a male performer ridiculed for failure to evolve?

For men, reinvention is optional; for women, it’s a survival strategy.

So, why did I laugh?

H.L. Mencken, intending to be funny, defined a misogynist as “a man who hates women as much as women hate one another.” Or, is it as much as we hate ourselves?

Comedy is funniest when it’s true.

When haven’t I worried about what people think about what I’m wearing, or when I say something awkward, try something new, fail, or have the audacity to try again?

It’s a risk for women to keep talking, keep dancing, keep expressing their joy, keep living their lives on their own terms, because it’s funny (at best) when we’re not flawless.

As Chelsea Handler said in a 2016 interview,

“Ladies, we can do better than this. We can eliminate the competitiveness that has been imposed upon us because we are treated as a minority and have been taught to tackle, rather than climb.”

What happened to #womensupportingwomen?

1. Capitalism.

2. Social media, amplification of comparison and scarcity mindsets

3. Patriarchy

4. All of the above

Recently, our Substack community tarred and feathered Glennon I-Don’t-Need-This-Shit Doyle until she left town, riding a rail carried by other women writers. The claim was that she was a carpet-bagging, market-share grabber who would diminish the incomes of “real” working writers. Or was it?

I think the real problem, as evident from reading many of the essays and Notes, was that Glennon didn’t start her Substack “right.” She didn’t seek anyone’s permission to take up space. She didn’t give away her years of hard work for free. She didn’t start small or slow enough. She stood out instead of fitting in.

I’ll lift you up, but only if you don’t you outshine me.

I hate that I’ve lined up to judge women who dare to show up on a public runway. My use of past-tense in that sentence is aspirational because, frankly, the impulse is ingrained. Consider this:

Across social media, publishing, TV, film, music, advertising, clothing, wellness, and beauty industries, women are primary consumers and creators; yet, across the board, the leadership in these industries is male-dominated.

Guess who benefits when the conditioning pits us against one another? If you guessed all of the above, you’re right. Jeff Bezos would also have been a good answer.

Women aren’t punchlines because they’re women.

The Saturday after I published my opinion on the all-female space flight, it was fodder for another Peter Sagal punchline.

SAGAL: “It was an inspiring moment for women,” he said,” including little girls everywhere, who now know that you can do anything if you have a rich boyfriend.”

ME: DING!

I didn’t laugh, but a bell rang. I thought it was icky when men made fun of women, but suddenly I realized I was part of the problem.

The bell rang again last Saturday as I rinsed the built-up dishwasher crud down the drain. Once again, I didn’t laugh. The REAL ID joke stretched beyond funny to mean.

Look, Glennon Doyle and Katy Perry don’t need me to defend them. Gayle King and Jordon Hudson will be just fine.

How I feel about these women, their work, their outfits, or their boyfriends doesn’t matter. What matters is changing the tone for how we represent women in public spaces.

It starts with not laughing at the jokes.

Work hard. Be brave. Believe. (and support women!)

Catherine