Christmases past, present and future

Enjoy the present, build for the future, forget the past

I’m in the Caribbean for Christmas (boo hoo, poor me) despite my nostalgia for what the season might have been

Christmas past

In my book of correct answers, the following are listed under Christmas: real tree (preferably balsam), several kinds of cookies, Elvis’s “Blue Christmas,” Charlie Brown, snow, family, and—most importantly—home.

However, I’ve learned that my book of correct answers is—like any set of expectations—not to be trusted, generally out of sync with reality, and often the source of unnecessary disappointment.

I had eight reasons not to go to the Virgin Islands

I explained this to Felix over the phone, emotional and drinking from a mini Bota-box of Sauvignon Blanc from my hotel bed at the Augusta, Maine Residence Inn. I was visiting my mother who had broken a hip, but it was as if I was the one thrown off balance. The strong and active 88-year-old woman with whom I’d just celebrated her birthday with a pedicure and a vigorous walk was suddenly vulnerable—Reason #1 not to travel far away.

Felix is living his dream and I fully support it. He’s been on the island of St. John since December 1, working remotely, and soaking up the sun, while avoiding his seasonal sads. After some protests, last summer I booked flights to join him over the Christmas holiday. I wanted to go. I wanted to stay home. Because Christmas. Reason #2.

#3 —Did you know there is a mysterious dog cough going around? I reminded Felix, I’d have to board Rangeley for the week (admittedly, I was being passive-aggressive by repeating what he already knew). And the painter is available, I cited reason #4—finishing a perpetually unfinished remodeling project.

Vacation will be another in a long list of reasons why I’m not working on my book or essays for submissions, timely pitches. If I could have the house to myself for an extra week—well, imagine my productivity!! Delusional, but I listed it as reason #5 anyway.

#6 — I hate to travel. Packing gives me anxiety and flying can make me weep.

#7 — I shouldn’t spend the money.

“You do what you want to do,” Felix said, with enough love and conviction it almost covered his disappointment.

#8 — What about Santa? The kids unwrapping presents in their pjs on Christmas morning. Stockings hung by the chimney with — I know, I know. They’re in their 30s, but still. We are supposed to be together for Christmas; it says so in my book of correct answers.

But has that always been true? No. Does our familial bond depend on one day? On gifts and cinnamon rolls? No. No it does not.

Christmas present

After listing my eight reasons not to join Felix in St. John, I told him, “There’s only one reason I’ll be there—you.” Though, to be honest, I wasn’t convinced. Mom was doing great, but still—. The dog would be fine, but still—. I could use some rest and relaxation, and, after two weeks, I was starting to miss my guy. But still.

I checked my phone’s weather app, anxiously watching a mega-storm creep up the East coast. I looked for alternative flights and considered cancellation. Jet Blue was waiving all fees. Yes, it was an act of God that kept me away, I could claim with feigned despair while curling up on the couch to watch It’s a Wonderful Life and eat pizza out of the box.

But what kind of Christmas would that be? Stuck with my expectations of what should be—mired, not in the past, but in what rarely (if ever) was: the perfect holiday. I didn’t have to lose the bank money or visit Potterville to figure that out. This Christmas I would be in St. John with Felix.

Christmas future

On the morning of my flight, winds gusted between 50-60 mph. Rain swept the runways and the body of the plane shuddered side to side as I boarded from the jetway. Oddly enough, I felt calm. Maybe the Ativan I took in the departure lounge helped. (I took another to be sure.)

When we took off I felt the energy of the universe steady the wings of the plane as we tumbled upward through the clouds—ninety minutes later the airport shut down. I can’t help but think of that quote by Goethe: “At the moment of commitment, the universe conspires to assist you.”

Was that you, Clarence?

I realize I’m mixing metaphors—part George Bailey, part Ebenezer Scrooge— but as the sun’s rays lengthen over Coral Bay I’m reflecting on what has been the lesson of this season for me and it’s the best I can do.

The fact is, this sentimental longing for the holidays I remembered (or dreamed of) doesn’t jive with today’s reality—families spread out, priorities shifting, the commercialized pressure of the season and this dark year, the torn-apart world in which we live.

Christmas past has passed, and in wanting to make the Christmas present everything it can be, I needed to focus on the Christmases to come—forgoing nostalgia for new experiences and new opportunities and forging a stronger bond with Felix (supporting his dreams as he does mine).

For what is Christmas about, if not hope for the future?

Catherine

Happy Holidays! This newsletter will return in 2024, tan and rested.